Stay With Me
by PrettyPoppy
Summary: As Jaime prepares to leave for King's Landing, Brienne tries to convince him to stay. An examination of Jaime's thoughts in "The Last of the Starks," Season 8, Episode 4.


Title: Stay With Me

Author: PrettyPoppy

Summary: As Jaime prepares to leave for King's Landing, Brienne tries to convince him to stay. An examination of Jaime's thoughts in "The Last of the Starks," Season 8, Episode 4.

Author's Notes: I honestly refuse to believe that Jaime decided to return to King's Landing in "The Last of the Starks" to save Cersei. That may be what he wants Brienne to believe, but I'm certain that's not what's in his heart.

* * *

Jaime hears Brienne come up behind him and braces himself against what he knows is to come. He concentrates on readying his horse, refusing to look at her. The northern forces have lost a dragon and part of a fleet, far more than they can afford. He knows there's only one way into King's Landing now, only one way to get to Cersei, and he has to take it. He's the only one who can.

The last few days have been the happiest of Jaime's life. Although Brienne is a knight, she is more woman than Cersei has ever been or ever will be. She is kind and warm and gentle. She loves him without guile, without self-interest or manipulation. Though she has never spoken the words, he knows she loves him in the purest sense, and he knows he doesn't deserve it.

A raven, a single raven, has stolen his happiness, and he knows there's only one way to get it back. He has to leave. He has to end what he started far too long ago. He knows if he doesn't, he'll never know peace, and he'll never be worthy of Brienne.

In a steely voice, she breaks the silence, "They're going to destroy that city. You know they will."

Jaime knows what she wants without her even having to say it. She wants him to stay. She wants him to forget all about King's Landing and stay by her side, but he can't. He's spent his entire life helping Cersei become what she's become. He's just as guilty of her crimes as she is, and he must make amends.

Jaime addresses Brienne the best way he knows how, by appealing to her honor as a knight. "Have you ever run away from a fight?" he asks.

In an instant, Brienne is beside him, her hands on his face, forcing him to turn in her direction. He doesn't want to look at her. He's afraid that if he looks into her eyes, he'll never be able to leave. But he knows she won't let him go until he looks at her, so he does, fighting his own heart.

"You're not like your sister," she says, her voice so certain, so sure. "You're not. You're better than she is. You're a good man, and you can't save her."

His eyes dart away for a moment. _You're a good man. _Brienne truly believes it. He knows she does. And for once, he wants to be worthy of that belief. He needs to be worthy of that belief.

He meets her eyes again as Brienne continues to pour out her heart to him.

"You don't need to die with her," she says. "Stay here." For a moment, she is silent, and he knows the words she is longing to say. Finally, she says them, "Stay with me," her bottom lip trembling as if she is on the verge of tears. "Please. Stay."

Jaime can't bear to see Brienne cry. He can't look into her eyes anymore. He breaks her gaze, wishing he could stop her tears, wishing he could give her what she wants, but knowing that he can't.

He reaches up, wrapping his hand around her right wrist, wanting to touch her, to feel her, one last time even though he knows he shouldn't. Without thinking, he nods his head, not realizing it might give her false hope. He knows what he has to do now. He has no doubt about what he has to do, no matter how painful it's going to be.

"You think I'm a good man," he says as he finally looks up at her.

Brienne lowers her right hand, and he has no choice but to let her go. She looks at him as if she's afraid of what he is about to say, and all the muscles in his body tense and he feels just a little bit ill as he prepares to break her heart.

She must see it in his eyes because her other hand slips from his face before he can say another word.

It is hard for Jaime to speak, but he knows he must. He must break away from Brienne, he must leave her behind and make sure that she doesn't follow. If she follows, Cersei will know, Cersei will know that Brienne is his one weakness, and Brienne will pay the ultimate price for her love.

Jaime looks into Brienne's eyes with cold determination, laying his sins bare for her as he would lay them bare before the gods themselves. "I pushed a boy out a tower window, crippled him for life. For Cersei," he says with a hint of a shrug, hating himself for ever having loved his sister in the first place. "I strangled my cousin with my own hands, just to get back to Cersei. I would have murdered every man, woman, and child in Riverrun. For Cersei."

Brienne inhales a shuddering breath, and he knows she is fighting back the tears. The pain in her face takes Jaime's breath away, makes him hate himself so much more than he already does. But he knows she needs that pain, knows that pain is the only thing that is going to keep her safe, that is going to help her through her grief if he never returns. Although he has never said it, to her or to himself, he loves Brienne, loves her more than he ever loved his sister, and he wants to keep her safe at all costs.

"She's hateful," he says, talking of Cersei, his eyes drifting from Brienne's for the briefest of moments. He despises himself for ever having loved Cersei, for believing her lies, for being such a fool. But he has no one to blame but himself. He raises his eyes and looks at Brienne one last time. "And so am I," he adds.

He turns away, and the instant he does, Brienne begins to sob. He mounts his horse, fighting the urge to comfort her, fighting all the desires of his own heart. He can't comfort her. He can't tell her that he loves her and that he's headed back to King's Landing to strangle his sister with his one good hand. He can't tell her any of it because he knows she'd insist upon coming with him. Or worse, she'd convince him to stay. And he knows he can't stay, knows it deep in what's left of his twisted heart.

Jaime rides through the gates, the sound of Brienne's tears still echoing in his ears. It kills him to leave her. She is everything he has ever wanted and more than he has ever deserved. He knows that there is little chance that he will see her again. But he holds out hope that he will return to her one day, when Cersei is dead and the war has been won. Only then, can he dry Brienne's tears. Only then, will he finally be worthy of her love.


End file.
